Go Ahead. Laugh. I Dare You.

Isn’t there a saying that laughter is the best medicine? In a very unscientific way, I declare it the truth.

Sometimes we take ourselves entirely too seriously. My husband and I laugh often. We can already laugh about the wedding. Like how long it took us to plan the drinks list. We carefully named some drinks after friends in the wedding party. We discovered – after the wedding – that we’d misspelled the last name of the Chief Wonderful Woman (laughing, but still sorry!) We can laugh at the venue’s bad jokes about putting the “boys” in the bank vault before the wedding. We can laugh that the venue put a waitress in charge of me when the ceremony started. She actually said to me, “I’m in charge of making sure you actually walk down the aisle and don’t run away.” Earlier, we laughed about how our first date was on April Fool’s Day three and a half years ago.

We are even allowed to giggle at the seriousness of this union. Why not? Why not laugh at what is expected of us and what we decide to actually do?  Someone recently told me that when she first moved in with her husband, she couldn’t stand how messy he was. He left his dirty socks all over the apartment. After endless conversations and some fights, she decided to laugh about it. She took out her camera and photographed all the funny places the socks ended up – from the bathroom to the kitchen counter. She and her husband had a hearty laugh about it and then compromised about how to keep their home. 

Gregory Corso’s poem Marriage, which I briefly discuss in yesterday’s post  makes me laugh. You can read the poem here. His second stanza made me giggle in the library chair:

When she introduces me to her parents 
back straightened, hair finally combed, strangled by a tie, 
should I sit knees together on their 3rd degree sofa 
and not ask Where’s the bathroom? 
How else to feel other than I am, 
often thinking Flash Gordon soap– 
O how terrible it must be for a young man 
seated before a family and the family thinking 
We never saw him before! He wants our Mary Lou! 
After tea and homemade cookies they ask What do you do for a living? 
Should I tell them? Would they like me then? 
Say All right get married, we’re losing a daughter 
but we’re gaining a son– 
And should I then ask Where’s the bathroom?

We take ourselves so damn seriously, from the courtship to the wedding vows. I think we all know, deep down, that we are in love when we find someone who can make us laugh.

In our vows, my husband and I named things that the other represents for us. It turns out I am his scotch and he is my zucchini flower. We smiled when we said it and some of the guests laughed with surprise. 

In all humor there is some seriousness. Scotch is my husband’s favorite drink and he takes it seriously. I have never turned down a fried zucchini flower, either made by distant relatives in Italy or my mother in New Jersey. We meant what we said.

A writer friend asked me recently why I haven’t written a blog post about what it means to be married. What it feels like on the other side. I think I don’t entirely know yet. We are happy to be married, relieved to no longer be wedding planning and generally just enjoying ourselves. 

This is the life!

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Sign In Book

As a writer, the sign-in book was an important part of our wedding planning. Happily, I am still quite in love with our sign-in book. It was made to order by Kristin Crane, an artist on Etsy. She even blogged about it!

In the beginning, we looked closely at books in the wedding section of stores and, like Goldilocks, found they were too this or too that. Mostly, they were too ugly.

We decided that we wanted something with a travel theme on it. We were naming our reception tables after bridges (both for the metaphor that a bridge offers and the significance of the various bridges in our lives) and thought the book should match, at least loosely.

Kristin Crane has a number of handmade and hand bound travel journals. We found a New York City map and she positioned it exactly right so that a few key places were on the cover (including Union Square, where we met for our first date.) Along the way, she showed us the progress of the book in case we wanted to make any changes.

It is perfectly made and exactly what we ordered. 

We placed it on the table with the seating cards, to help make sure everyone noticed it since it isn’t as big as a usual sign-in book. As a creative person, I thought it would be fun if we put colored markers next to the book so that the adults and children alike could draw in the book if they wanted to. My husband collects mugs from universities where he has given professional talks and we chose the Georgetown University mug for the pens. (He is currently on leave from GU while he is a fellow at the University of Michigan).

We are happy to report that we received some beautiful drawings and words that we will treasure forever. The book is about 2/3 empty. We are going to save it (of course) and use it for future milestone events.

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Bridesmaid Presents

I love New York City and so I love the Fishs Eddy designs with the skyline: 212 New York Skyline.

Since we were getting married close to New York City (I know, I know, New Jersey isn’t New York. It’s close, though. Maybe it is another borough?), I decided to buy the Wonderful Women a present inspired by New York.

I bought these crocks and put two packages of kitchen herb seeds in each one. Placed in a reusable tote, it fit the slight green theme to the wedding. 

Perhaps, however, it was too large of a gift. I didn’t pay perfect attention to the measurements when I ordered them online and they were larger than I expected. Since a number of the Wonderful Women had to fly to the wedding (one flew internationally from Italy!), I fear that they might have been less convenient than they were cute.

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Wedding hairpiece

When I was thinking about how to do my hair for the wedding, I fell in love with a Swarovski crystal hair vine that I saw in a bridal magazine. A hair vine is a swiggly piece for your hair that can be wrapped around your head with bobby pins. The crystal part of it means that it costs hundreds of dollars.

I was surprised to find out how much it cost. I hadn’t been expecting that. After a quick search on Etsy.com and Ebay.com, I found this company, Live Love Bead, which makes “crystal inspired designs.” That is to say, affordable designs.

The one I ordered lasted through a styling test and the wedding day. It only lost one crystal in the end and I hope to find an occasion to wear it again. I’m open to invitations.

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Personalized Wedding Poem: For and From My Dad

 My dad asked me to write a Personalized Wedding Poem and he read it as a toast at our wedding.

At first, I had no idea how to proceed. How could I write a poem for my own wedding to be read by someone else? I was baffled. 

After he filled out the Questionnaire (which I created especially for this unique situation), I thought long and hard about what I know about his voice and the advice that he has given to me over the years. This is what I came up with and what he read at our wedding.

Thank you, Dad, for being you.

PS: I used to call my dad “Daie.”

 

 

 

From the Father of the Bride, Your Daie

 

Thank you for being you,

as I’ve told you so many times.

 

When I put my hand on your mother’s stomach

and felt you shift under her skin,

I lowered my eyes,

wondrous at life.

 

You’ve continued to grow

east, west, north, south.

I watch you tug on your dreams,

fall deeper in love,

turn a corner in this developing union.

 

You and Hans

care for each other in ways I can see

and ways I know.

 

Let the wind always be in your sails

as you move together through life.

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Legally Bound. Under Law.

My husband and I married one week ago this weekend. We probably won’t know for years what the ceremony and union ultimately signify for us. Immediately, however, we were joined legally. I have the pink, temporary marriage certificate to prove it. 

Since noon last Saturday, I have felt both completely different and exactly the same.

We have been slowly committing to each other throughout the last three and half years. Moving in together in a state neither of us had ever lived in before was a big step. We learned more about each other’s habits and lifestyles. Since we’d been long distance for two years and spent chunks of time essentially living together in each other’s apartment, nothing was shocking. 

For this reason, as I looked into his eyes and we said our vows before our closest friends and family, I knew I was marrying my best friend. Someone I trust, love and know.

When we walked out of the center of the circle as a married couple, I was jubilant. Simply jubilant. I knew that we were not only bound by our emotions, but also by a legal and public commitment. We had made a public vow to care for each other and our union throughout our lives. This vow would be recognized by our government.

I like calling him “my husband.” I like being a part of an institution that allows others to know and understand our relationship without question (of course, if I had taken his surname, this would have been more obvious.) I like that I could be on his health insurance. I like that we can hold hands in public.  

“Society” wanted us to marry. The word “society” is a vague one that often serves as a crutch. However, I think you understand, without labels, who I mean when I write that “society” did not always approve or recognize our relationship when we were living together as an unmarried couple. When we stayed in hotel rooms with one bed. When we accompanied each other to the doctor. We are lucky that our “society” only took it that far, considering what happens in other, less forgiving “societies.” 

We did not marry in order to please this or any other “society.”

We got married because it was important to us to share our vows of love publically and be bound legally.

I recently wrote an essay on this subject and a friend reading it noted that I sounded defensive. Perhaps. I feel compelled to explain myself to those who vote against gay marriage or see marriage as only a religious sacrament instead of a civil right with legal implications. 

For these and related reasons, we asked my husband’s friend Dr. Jonathan Ladd to read this during our ceremony:

Goodridge v. Massachusetts Dept. of Public Health

By Chief Justice Margaret H. Marshall

Civil marriage is at once a deeply personal commitment to another human being and a highly public celebration of the ideals of mutuality, companionship, intimacy, fidelity, and family. It is an association that promotes a way of life, not causes; a harmony in living, not political faiths; a bilateral loyalty, not commercial or social projects.

 Because it fulfills yearnings for security, safe haven, and connection that express our common humanity, civil marriage is an esteemed institution and the decision whether and whom to marry is among life’s momentous acts of self-definition.

 

We are not the first couple to include part of Chief Justice Marshall’s statement in their ceremony. We will certainly not be the last.

May all consenting adults be allowed to marry and experience our jubilance, publicly and under law.

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Countdown: (2) Last Preparations

Two more days. It is hard to begin these last few blogs with anything less than surprise about how quickly time is moving!

Today is the last day of preparations (we hope!) We are going to drop everything off the venue for the set-up, including table markers, chocolate favors, etc. Last night we took a final dance class with my parents, which was really fun. (I particularly love how we’ve learned some new things because of the wedding.) 

Guests are starting to arrive and the fun frenzy – rather than the planning frenzy – is beginning.

I imagine that many of you thought I am crazy to think that I could blog everyday before the wedding. Indeed, it is hard to think clearly and focus on important things to share with you.

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Countdown: (10) Why get married?

I’ve been thinking a lot about why we are getting married. I do not doubt my desire to be with my fiancé for the rest of our lives or our love for each other. I know that I want to marry him. I know that he wants to marry me.

But why, exactly? What is propelling us in this direction? I know it isn’t simply because we are “supposed to.” It is bigger than that. 

Marrying for love is a modern concept. There is no doubt that love is the primary reason behind our union. The public and legal reasons are also important.  

I am happy to be able to share our vows in a circle of our friends and family. In the beginning of a relationship, we want to “shout the person’s names from the rooftops.” As the relationship progresses, it deepens and we still want to share it.

I talked to some married friends to ask them what helped to shape their own decisions to marry.

Shasta, one of the Wonderful Women and author of the new sewing blog The Lovely Nest, notes the importance of commitment and accountability. She writes, “I think it comes down to commitment and sometimes just knowing between the two of you that you’ll spend your lives together isn’t enough.  You want to get up in front of all your family and friends and publicly declare your love and say “this is the person I will love until I die.”  There’s some accountability in that.” Yes, Shasta, that feels exactly right.

I am touched by how Wonderful Woman Alethea uses the word “hope” as she explores this topic. Perhaps there is nothing more hopeful or optimistic than making a decision like this one. Alethea writes, “Whether people decide to get married or not, love is a big chance that we all take, whether you go in with big doubts or big dreams of a perfect union. I think getting married is an expression of hope that the way you make each other feel is so unique and valuable, that it must mean you should couple for life.  And there is an urge to say it out loud in front of everyone you know!” 

Wonderful Woman Amy writes about the “pledge” she and her husband made: “To me, marriage is telling the world that you’re in it for the long haul. If Peter and I had just continued to live together without getting married, I guess it would have felt more open-ended. I would have wondered how long we would be together. Now, whatever may happen in the future, I know that we at least went in with the expectation of forever. I am a very shy and private person, but I really wanted to make that public declaration. We wrote our own vows and they included the words “Before God and these witnesses, I vow…” as an acknowledgment that we weren’t just saying nice words; we were truly committed to what we were pledging.”

A certain proof and commitment to a relationship can’t be denied in a true marriage. Shasta adds, “I think security probably plays some role.  Sometimes I joke and ask Chris if he promises to love me forever and he always answers “I already did.”  I think there really is something powerful about publicly promising to love someone forever.” 

My fiancé and I are already a committed, nuclear family in so many ways. We are committed to each other and will make this pledge public in 10 days.

I really can’t wait.

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Countdown: (15) Details, details, details

I didn’t believe people when they told me how much there was to do before the wedding. I thought that it would mostly be done a few weeks (months?) before. What was I doing before if there is still so much to do? 

Music details, seating, centerpieces, table markers, transportation, alcohol… there are many final details to work out. It is hard to focus on much else right now.

I’m starting to wonder if it was a bad idea to try writing daily blogs. I am “wedding” (and working with folks “wedding” with us, thanking people who are “wedding” with us). Noting the number of days left everyday seems a little more stressful than I’d expected. Fifteen? Wowsers.  

Am I ridiculous to try to write during this period? Every writing teacher has said that writers have to write as often as possible. It is like playing the piano; you have to practice. If not, how can you keep up your skills, let alone improve?

 And so, I continue. Writing teachers also say that if you have nothing to write, you should write about having nothing to write. So here it is folks. Perhaps a little of nothing.

I’d prefer to watch a show about nothing. Seinfeld, are you on demand? I need a break between the items on the To Do list.

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Countdown: (16) Dancing

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the final days of planning our wedding, I’m amazed by the various things we’ve learned and are learning. 

Like dancing. My fiancé and I had great fun taking dance classes in Ann Arbor.  I encouraged my parents to take dance classes of their own and they kindly invited me to join their class last night at the Union County Dance Centre.

We brought the CD with the Father of the Bride/Bride song on it to the dance class, put on our wedding shoes and started moving… slow, slow, quick, quick… 

It was a great relief after a big day of meeting with the DJ, picking up the marriage license and working on more wedding details.

What will I do after the wedding? Seems like there won’t be a single thing left that needs doing. (Remind me of that while I’m running errands and grading papers…)

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