Sunday’s Modern Love article, Once Political, Now Just Practical, by Sara Sarasohn, went beyond the gay marriage debate and dove into the role of a wife (in the context of feminism and gay marriage.) I enjoyed reading her contemporary and personal response to the 1971, Ms. Magazine essay by Judy Syfers, “Why I Want a Wife.”
If you are married or considering getting married, how do you define your roles?
I sometimes lament the fact my actions and interests are more “feminine” than I expect. (I cook, write poetry and teach. I tend to do many of the chores around the house.) I do not consider myself to be a “traditional” woman, yet, I might be more traditional that I would label myself.
This morning over breakfast, my fiance’ and I discussed what untraditional things I do or could do if I wanted to. I couldn’t think of something that would fit in that category that I would aspire to doing.
Are we lucky enough to live in an era when everything is open to women? Perhaps everything is an option for women who are lucky enough to have certain educational opportunities, but there are many fields that remain difficult for a woman. I have experienced sexism throughout my career and outside of the home (that’s for another post.) At home, however, I don’t feel pressured into doing anything in particular. I truly enjoy many of the “traditional” things that I do (ok, maybe not dusting.)
Maybe the question is: how does the world see me? I would hate to have my actions suggest to a younger woman that she is required to do the things that I choose to do.
I hope that our post-feminist world, as it is called at times, allows us to make the choices we want to, including those within the more traditional realm.
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Chloe’!
What an interesting and thought-provoking topic to post on. I am definitely bringing this conversation to the dinner table tonight (after I enjoyably and lovingly cook our meal). This is something I’d be interested in discussing with Ed, and I’ll get back to you with the results…
Alli
Thanks, Alli! I look forward to hearing the results of your talk. And the recipe? 🙂
Well, as you know, my boy and I do not live together (just yet 🙂 ), but between our two separate apartments, I certainly buy more groceries! I tend to cook simple dinners when we’re together, but he’s also pretty amazing at making breakfast, not to mention quesidillas. But, again, since we don’t live together, some of the practical, day-to-day gender role questions have not come up.
We have had many a debate on the idea of “courtship” and what that means for feminism. He seems to think that to be a true feminist we must do away with holding doors, etc., which reinforce the stereotype that women are weak. I view courtship gestures differently, as kind of affirmative action for women, who have suffered for centuries being oppressed by men — the least men can do is hold the door! Luckily, despite our heated philosophical debates, he does actually hold the door for me! 🙂
But this also brings up a larger issue which is — why do women have to be “perfect” feminists? Can’t we enjoy being complicated, believing in equality while admitting that, hey, we do like to get flowers once in a while. It’s like telling a vegetarian they shouldn’t wear leather — people are multidimensional, contradict themselves, and that’s part of the beauty of being human…
Hila
Hila,
Thanks for your thoughtful comments, especially about courtship. I think we all – both genders – like to be treated well.
I remember a man I was dating once said, “You always walk through the wrong door.” I asked what he meant, he said that I should step aside and wait for him to open a door. That seems quite inconvenient to wait around 🙂
We are all complicated humans (not just men and women.)
Thanks again!
Chloe’
reporting from Monday night:
–Ed cooked dinner (it was delicious: tilapia baked in the oven with orange juice, tarragon, salt, and pepper, with asparagus, and french fries, which he called Spanish style fish and chips). Surprise!
–we discussed how we do share most of the chores in the house: cooking, cleaning, laundry, food shopping, etc. But that I shy away from things like fixing computer problems, hanging curtains and photos, etc. and tend to do more of the cooking mostly because I’m home earlier.
–I did get elbow deep in an IKEA furniture project, though, after dinner. So I guess we’re a pretty balanced couple, gender-wise.
–I wonder how things change, though, with kids in the picture…
–question for the blog readers: how about driving? I always noticed that on long car trips, my father always drove. Who does the driving in your relationships?
Thanks, Alli!
Hans and I were actually discussing driving… I tend to do all of the driving (perhaps because it is the car I brought into the relationship or because I get lost immediately if I do the navigating. What a terrible stereotype!)
I’m glad this started a conversation… I’d love to hear how things progress with kid(s) later.
Chloe’